Baby Mania Notification #4

From reading other mommy blogs, I think I'm supposed to be whiney, bitchy, and complainy. I will oblige, but not without this disclaimer: My current discomfort is a welcome sacrifice for the blessings this baby will bring to my life. I am so happy and excited to be pregnant, and I appreciate the opportunity to feel like crap.

This particular brand of crap feels, well, like crap. Even after taking a craptastic crap that had to rival the size of the infant growing in my womb, I continue to feel as though I'm carrying around eight extra pounds of manure. So much crap, that I feel sick to my stomach. Like a disgusting South Park episode, I worry that I'm about to start crapping out my mouth, is how full of crap I feel.

The crap has solidified into a bowling ball sitting firmly within my pelvis, forcing me to stagger along like a drunken pregnant woman. The only thing funnier to an insensitive bystander would be if I decided to purchase condoms while walking around drunkenly pregnant.

Lest you be confused by my crapilicious metaphor, it's not constipation that plagues me. It's the settling of the infant in my "cradle of life." Ahh, the cradle which in different times would function as the chief vehicle for my legs, and the under appreciated foundation for any type of comfortable repose. Since walking and sitting are out of the question, perhaps I could gently rest my hips in bed as I nod off into peaceful slumber. HA! After fifteen minutes on one side, I need to spread the torturous agony to the other hip. This turning keeps me *aware* in the late hours.

I guess, since I'm close to the due date, I could always attempt to speed the birthing process along with some natural methods. The most common method, of course, is making love. Riiiiight...I feel like I'm currently birthing a watermelon, and the advice I get is to shove even MORE junk in there? This ridiculous suggestion is the reason that these natural induction methods are myths. Who has ever tried it?